When Gabriel was small and we lived downstate, I’d take him grocery shopping with me. Mostly this consisted of frenzied trips to Whole Foods where I’d virtually run through the aisles so I could get all the stuff we needed before he lost his shit and I had to abandon my cart (yes, I have done that, but before you judge, I took it to customer service, I’m not a heathen). I remember these times vividly because they were always, always punctuated by older women (and sometimes men) gawking at my son and saying in a cheerfully irritating tone “enjoy every second, it goes so fast.” And I’d always think: “what the fuck is that lady thinking? Did she not just see him throw a fit in produce? If she didn’t see it, she MUST have felt it, because it was a definite 10 on the screaming toddler Richter scale.” I cannot tell you how angry this used to make me. I never showed it, of course. I’d just nod my unwashed, sleep-deprived head and say “yeah” and wander into the checkout line cursing her and everyone else who dared to tell me to “enjoy every second” when clearly, I was in hell.
In case you’re wondering, I did not “enjoy every second.” Raising kids is hard, thankless work. Have you ever gotten groceries with a toddler? One time Sebastian laid down in the middle of the baking ingredient aisle the night before thanksgiving. Have you ever been in the baking ingredient aisle on the night before thanksgiving? Everyone in the surrounding 5 counties is there looking for evaporated milk and they will step on your toddler to get it. And after they’ve stepped on him, they’ll curse you for putting them in a situation where they had to do it in the first place. But to a toddler, that is the perfect time to pretend to be swimming on the floor. And there was the time he snatched that perfect purple heirloom tomato off the display and ran for the freezer section like his pants were on fire. Cue me casually walking after him like I had the whole situation under control when I most certainly did not. So no, I can’t say I even know how to “enjoy every second” because not every second is enjoyable.
I often wondered where that sentiment came from. Isn’t that the basis of all our problems as parents? That we should love it all? That if we don’t, we’re somehow flawed? I mean, it used to really get to me. Am I broken? Why can’t I enjoy every second? What am I missing here? I felt that maybe, just maybe there was something wrong with me. That gratitude did not come easily to me, I was too stuck in the actuality of raising kids. Too stuck in the endless days that pushed ever onward into long, sleepless nights. Too stuck in the nap routine that made me feel chained to my house every day at 1pm. Too stuck in the spiral of when is this going to get easier and if it doesn’t get easier, when am I going to get better at it so it can get easier?
Fast forward 13 years and Gabriel is shaving. And now it’s starting to make just a little bit of sense. How did I end up with a teenager who shaves? Where did the time go? And where is that toddler who ran to me with open arms, face lit up like a Christmas tree every time I came into the room? Where is the kid whose nose turned orange because he ate so many carrots and sweet potatoes? Where was the kid who screamed when I wouldn’t let him have an apple to gnaw on and get all sticky with while I was shopping at Whole Foods? That kid is taller than me now and only reluctantly gives me hugs when I ask for them. No, I did not enjoy every second, but I wonder all the time where all the seconds went. I’m going to blink three times and he’ll be driving away in a car, headed off on adventures that I won’t be a part of. I’m not going to lie, the thought of that breaks my heart more than a little bit.
So, if you see me smiling at a kid in the grocery store, know that I will never, ever tell that poor mom (or dad) to enjoy every second. It’s just not a fair burden to place on anyone. But you bet your ass I’m going to go home and do my best to drink in every single moment I have left with my kids. Because time does in fact fly and I’m going to enjoy every second.